What Junie Told the Doctor
The room they took me to was small, just a desk and two chairs and a box of tissues nobody had touched yet. Dr. Anand didn't sit across from me like a teacher. She pulled her chair around so we were side by side, both of us facing the same wall.
"Whatever you tell me," she said, "I believe you before you even say it. I just need the words."
Nobody had ever said that to me before you say it.
So I told her. Not everything at once — it came out crooked, the way true things do when you've been holding them so long you forget the right order. The balcony. The lock. Cool-down, that soft word for something that wasn't soft at all. I told her about the twenty-two-minute night, about Poppy staring at nothing against the railing. I told her about the notebook, about thirty-one marks, about my mom closing it like a door.
"She didn't believe me," I said. "She thought I was making it up because I was jealous."
"I believe you," Dr. Anand said again, and this time her voice cracked just slightly on the second word, which was somehow the thing that finally made my own eyes go hot.
"Is Poppy going to be okay?"
"Poppy's going to be okay." She meant right now, the peanuts, and I think she also meant something bigger, something about the rest of it, though she didn't promise anything she couldn't keep. "You did something very brave, keeping count like that. Do you still have it? The notebook?"
"It's under my mattress. Mom has it in her room now, I think. She took it."
Dr. Anand wrote that down too.
Then she stood, smoothed her coat, and looked at me with an expression I didn't have a name for yet — something between sorry and steady.
"I need to step out and talk to some people for a few minutes. A social worker's going to come say hello soon, okay? You haven't done anything wrong. None of this is because of you."
She opened the door.
On the other side of it, I could hear my mother's voice already, rising, asking someone what was going on.